What I Learned About Behavior from the 8 Year Old

On any given day you will see this little guy don a hat (any kind except baseball style), load a bag full of random things he may need, and begin an adventure he creates using rocks, sticks, paper…whatever is around at the time.  The "scene" as he calls it usually looks something like this:

What have I learned about behavior from him?

1. Who cares about that?  This is the response I have heard over and over from him anytime I have tried to unknowingly indoctrinate him with some meaningless social norm.  For example: Me: John Gannon--that shirt doesn't match your pants. JG: Who cares about that?  Well, I don't know…really, does it matter?   Unfortunately, a lot of judgements about others are strictly related to those stupid rules or norms in my brain that I think everyone should abide by.  Think about all the ridiculous things people have rules about (you know this list can be endless--I am just listing some recent things I have heard conversations about or witnessed): never eat the last…when at someone's house, only give baby showers for the 1st baby or the 1st wedding, showers must be within 6 weeks of the event, one must always used proper grammar, clothes should match, no white after Labor Day or before Easter, no socks with sandals, do not invite yourself over to someone's house--wait for an invitation, if someone says you can have something and they don't bring it to you--don't ask them about it, pretend you don't have problems when you are in public, if you accidentally end up at someone's house and they are eating (and you are hungry)--if they ask you to eat--lie and say you aren't hungry…My point, John Gannon has helped remind me many times that the world does not revolve around my little world…that most of my thoughts and rules about stuff like that are just plain foolish…So, I ask you...Who cares about all that?  Thanks to John Gannon--I really could care less about all that mess and much more these days!

2.  Anxiety:  Oh my, I realized a while back that John Gannon is often crippled by anxiety!  I have watched it keep him from participating in things, learning a new skill, asking a question, being willing to admit he doesn't really know something… When I first saw this in him I thought it was a confidence issue--and to be honest it does appear it is confidence at first glance.  I have often said, he doesn't want to do things unless he is confident he can be successful.  I have since realized that the core issue is really anxiety.  What I have learned is that I cannot combat this by any harsh means..yelling, shaming, smart illic comments, forcing (ugh…that list sounds awful--but I am guilty)... all of those means just add to the anxiety.  Instead, I have learned to be a gentle coach.  Offering encouragement when he tries new tasks that I know are anxiety producers for him.  I look for opportunities for him to try things in small steps.  I offer lots of opportunities and try to remain calm when he doesn't "take the bait!"  I have honest conversations with him about his skills.  We practice ways of reducing anxiety and combating it when it surfaces.  He has made some progress, but it is so ingrained within him…we still have a way to go!  Oh--and if we try something and his is not immediately successful--the anxiety even gets more difficult to combat!

3. Verbal Praise:  John Gannon was our first child…we noticed every little thing he did.  It didn't matter what he did…lifted a leg to take a step, drew a crooked line or a picture of some unidentifiable object we praised him.  I mean a lot.  What have I learned…he now expects and evaluation of his performance.  He asks these types of questions all the time, "Are you proud of me, did I do a good job, am I doing this good enough…"  He is really dependent on our feedback.  To be honest, if I had to do this over, I would have started decreasing the amount of verbal praise much sooner. (Remember those behavioral principles I referred to yesterday---one is the principle of reinforcement).  Once a behavior is established, reinforcement should be decreased. I violated this principle for a long time.  Now, we are learning how to self evaluate instead of looking for the evaluation or approval from others.  It is difficult for him, but he is learning.   Temple Grandin (if you haven't heard of her, you should read about her--she is an adult with Autism) said at a conference I attended this past summer that she gives credit for her success as an adult to her parents.  She said, "They didn't coddle me all the time.  They only said good job when I did a good job." She stated she thought that too many kids are raised thinking they are super stars.  These kids then enter the real world and when people don't walk around recognizing their minimal effort they are ready to quit.  Do I still give him verbal praise--yes, but not as often and we are trying to learn the skill of self-evaluating!

4.  A naturalistic risk calculator!  These days, you hear mainly about auditory and kinesthetic learners.  There are others out there and by far--JG is a naturalist (yes,yes…Gardner took some professional criticism for adding this to the list--but it fits JG like a glove).  If you want him to learn a concept quickly--link it to the outdoors somehow.  He loves maps, graphs, and data. So--when John is having a pattern of difficult behavior, we chart it, turn it into data…most of the time, he will self correct!
While JG is passionate about all things outdoors, he is a risk calculator.  He is constantly evaluating how safe things are and the risk for danger.    Within our house, we have 2 that are natural risk takers (Johnny and Jackson) and 2 that are more calculated risk takers (JG and I).  JG looks and evaluates things according to their risk category.  Don't get me wrong--he loves his share of adventure--but is much safer in choosing those adventures.  Notice the picture below--he did this over and over--but if he felt any danger at all--he let go of the paddle and held to the boat (which is a no-no in the world of paddling! I often have the same problem!)

Does John Gannon disobey, lie, manipulate, fight with his brother, argue with us, roll his eyes? YES!!! Correction of his behavior has not been as near as extensive as with Jackson.  However, knowing what helps your children learn, knowing what hinders their successes, and knowing how they process their thoughts are all helpful components when understanding and making sense of behavior! Speaking of JG--he just ran into the house and asked me to come observe the new skill he has learned outside!
Live a Meaningful Life!