Some Things I Have Learned from the 4 Year Old About Behavior

This sweet face turned 4 this past Wednesday!  For those of you who know him and for those of you who do not-he is full of life, energy, spirit, love, and will. The other day I read some older blog posts in which I had commented about him crawling, fighting you over a biscuit, etc.  Little did I know what was to come! Today, I share with you a few of the things his presence in our lives has taught me or brought back to my memory regarding behavior!

1.  Behavior management is only a set of principles.  That's right folks--no quick fixes, magic wands, one suggestion cure-alls…if you go read the original theorists' work--it is a simple set of principles that just have to be CONSISTENTLY followed.

2. Consistency--When Jackson was at his peak (for you behavior folks--when his occurrence rates were the highest), I would pick him up from the sitter and it would start.  Screaming, defiance, aggression--it would continue until he literally went to bed.  We have been scratched, bit, kicked, and hit (all of which have left Johnny, John Gannon and I with physical marks).  Things have been thrown, destroyed, and used as weapons. He has broken glass out of furniture and literally screamed and had obsessive temper tantrums for hours at a time.  At any given moment during those 12-18 months (I am not referring to age--I am actually making reference to time) when things were tough, I often doubted if what we were doing was working.  It "felt" like nothing was working.  Honestly--I saw day treatment, the tier process for behavior, and many school meetings looming ahead in our future.  However, we just kept consistently applying the principles using whatever interventions seemed most logical at the time.  I can testify it worked. It was not a night/day difference.  I can't even pinpoint when the turning point happened. You know why?  Because there never was a turning point--it was just a minute less here, a minute less there--and over time-those minutes finally add up to make a difference.  Stay consistent--when a six hour bought with behavior is decreased by a minute--that is progress--it just won't feel like progress at the time!  Stay consistent!

3. Function of behavior is so important.  Knowing the primary motivation behind behavior is fundamental in managing difficult behavior.  In today's world of research it is generally divided into 2 broad categories: To gain (attention, self stimulation, control, and some others) or To avoid (a task, a person, a situation, and some others).  Now, under each of those categories--there is a ton of debate, arguing, arrogance…you know--all that academic rhetoric that happens over every known subject.  I am not going to pull rank and even pretend to offer to their precious literature.  I am just going to say--I have experienced it first hand with lots of other children over the years but most intently with my own child.  For the first 6-9 months (time frame) I really thought the function of all of his fits/head banging/aggression, etc. was to gain attention.  So I spent that long intervening in ways in which behavior theory suggested you would intervene for one seeking to gain attention.  I can not tell you how many trainings I have sat through, how many books I have read, and how many journal articles I have read on the subject (oh…and did I mention the number of FBA's and behavior plans I have written for children)?  And with all that--I missed it!  It dawned on my one day while sitting in our recliner--exhausted, feeling helpless & hopeless, not having a clue what to do…that I was wrong.  He could care less about my attention--he wanted control more than attention.  Oh my, publishing that into today's current arena would make some researchers go wild.  There are many of the school that the function of control does not exist.  I would have loved for Jackson to participate in one of their studies.  Needless to say, things didn't all of a sudden get easier once I had the epiphany.  All I did was change the way I was applying the behavior principles (remember--that is all you have in the world of behavior)!  It still felt like it wasn't working--because the progress was so minimal. But over time...

4.  Self-Control--Oh how hard…I wish I could say that I have stayed in a calm state when dealing with Jackson's behavior.  I have screamed, cried, and thrown fits myself--right in front of him or in response to his behavior.  I have argued back, threatened things I never intended to follow through on, exerted my "control" over foolish things, and set limits or consequences for his behaviors that were excessive. I want you to know that I fail--I don't get it right every time.  It's ok.  However, if these things occur more frequently than not, one needs to work on himself/herself.  Not being in control of your thoughts/feelings during times of excessive behavioral outburst is never the ideal and can be dangerous when this becomes habit.  Get help if you need to.  For me, I mentally tell myself--ok--here is a teachable moment--practice the strategies. It almost becomes a game at times--trying to figure out what he will respond to--but for me--it helps me stay in a state of self control (most of the time :)!  And when I blow it--I make it right.  For example, the other day, I threw a minor fit in response to something he was doing.  Afterwards, when he was calm and I was calm, I went over to him and said something like this: Jackson, you know when you were choosing not to obey earlier? (insert a brief description of what the actual event was) When this happened, I felt angry.  When I felt that anger, I started yelling at you, and when you…I…(I even do a little visual and verbal recreation of my actions). And then I say: My actions of (insert a brief and funny replay of my actions again) were wrong.  I am sorry.  When I feel that anger, I hope I choose to do this next time (explain the correct behavior and act it out). In summary--self control is necessary to effectively deal with difficult behavior.

5. Thankfulness--I have said over and over Jackson had to be a fighter when he was born--otherwise--we would have never been able to celebrate his 4th birthday!  For all the will, rebellion, fits, and lectures he gives--I am thankful.  I honestly hope as an adult he retains all the confidence, perseverance, and grit he has exhibited since his birth--I just hope we continue sharpening those traits!

How are things now?  Jackson is still his sweet, loving, and strong-willed self!  This past week he has talked everyday about his "famawee" coming for his party.  He worked everyday painting and stamping pictures so he would have gifts for all his guests (his idea to give everyone something). Does he still choose to disobey, argue, tell YOU how it is gonna be sometimes, hit his brother--yes. But our rates are much better now! I am very grateful for the little young man he is today.  As a matter of fact--this just happened: "Moma, I love you…I do love you, just don't look over here for a minute (He has a bottle of water and a cup in his hand)! I just smile and say "Ok, Jackson!" A little water--nothing a towel won't clean in a few minutes!

Despite his will--this little guy has the most giving heart and adventurous outlook on life! And he is always full of love for his "famawee and others!" Next up…What I Learned About Behavior from the 8 Year Old!  Live a Meaningful Life!