Feelings Will Not Define Me
I have been struggling for the past two weeks. A war has been raging in my mind. Battles have erupted trying to steal my sanity, my purpose, and my resolve to win. It all started after my annual visit to the pulmonologist. I was diagnosed with a lung disease in 2010. I am not going to rehash the whole story of my last visit, but I left with this resolve that I was going to start pushing myself to see if I could expand my lung capacity. I learned at the appointment my lungs were functioning at 70% for someone of my age and size (which is a decrease of almost 9% since I have been going).
For the past two weeks, I have whined. I have blamed. I have been angry. I have been sad. I have felt feelings of great motivation. I have felt completely defeated. I have felt like a failure at everything I do. I have felt stupid for having such feelings. I have felt guilty and selfish.
I am glad that I know the truth. The truth is that almost every one of those feelings are lies. They are deceptive tactics to make an attempt to hold me hostage. They try to convince me that I can not change. However, I will not embrace what I know is not true. I will cling to the truth. The truth is I can make an attempt to do something about it. I am not a failure. I was wonderfully created and for a purpose. When I want to wallow in self pity I can direct my attention to the One who created me. I can seek to crave Him instead of wanting to resist efforts to improve my health. I can admit that alone-I am defeated! My flesh is powerful, and I am dependent on the Holy Spirit to empower me with the resolve to follow through.
Aren't we guilty of this so often? I will never forget when Johnny was adjusting to working around primarily women in the education world. He would often come home very confused. One day the conversation went like this, "Paula, I don't understand. Today the women I work with were all talking about losing weight while eating Snicker bars. I wanted to let them know they might make some progress if they would put the Snickers down and walk laps around the room. I do not think they really want to lose weight. They just like the "idea" of losing weight." You see, I like the idea of pushing my lung capacity. I like the idea of pushing through the burn and the terrible stabbing feeling that starts convulsing in my back where all those holes and lesions are on my lungs. But the actual process of it...I HATE IT! There, I said it...I HATE IT! I have got to push through the feelings and just act. Discipline, in its purest form. Doing something you know is beneficial even when it is not what you "want" or what you "feel" like.
If I trusted my feelings...good grief, my life would be a mess. Instead of embracing my feelings, I will choose to cling to the truth. I will cling to the things I know that work. For me, with this task:
For the past two weeks, I have whined. I have blamed. I have been angry. I have been sad. I have felt feelings of great motivation. I have felt completely defeated. I have felt like a failure at everything I do. I have felt stupid for having such feelings. I have felt guilty and selfish.
I am glad that I know the truth. The truth is that almost every one of those feelings are lies. They are deceptive tactics to make an attempt to hold me hostage. They try to convince me that I can not change. However, I will not embrace what I know is not true. I will cling to the truth. The truth is I can make an attempt to do something about it. I am not a failure. I was wonderfully created and for a purpose. When I want to wallow in self pity I can direct my attention to the One who created me. I can seek to crave Him instead of wanting to resist efforts to improve my health. I can admit that alone-I am defeated! My flesh is powerful, and I am dependent on the Holy Spirit to empower me with the resolve to follow through.
Aren't we guilty of this so often? I will never forget when Johnny was adjusting to working around primarily women in the education world. He would often come home very confused. One day the conversation went like this, "Paula, I don't understand. Today the women I work with were all talking about losing weight while eating Snicker bars. I wanted to let them know they might make some progress if they would put the Snickers down and walk laps around the room. I do not think they really want to lose weight. They just like the "idea" of losing weight." You see, I like the idea of pushing my lung capacity. I like the idea of pushing through the burn and the terrible stabbing feeling that starts convulsing in my back where all those holes and lesions are on my lungs. But the actual process of it...I HATE IT! There, I said it...I HATE IT! I have got to push through the feelings and just act. Discipline, in its purest form. Doing something you know is beneficial even when it is not what you "want" or what you "feel" like.
If I trusted my feelings...good grief, my life would be a mess. Instead of embracing my feelings, I will choose to cling to the truth. I will cling to the things I know that work. For me, with this task:
- Have a daily plan (check)
- Follow through with the plan (check)
- Meditate on God's goodness and how He can empower me, because I am weak alone. (check)
- Get some accountability. You can't go wrong with kids. They will consistently badger you about completing any task. AND how can I make excuses to them when I want them to live disciplined lives? I want to lead by example, right? (check)
Here are the results from day one...
The boys and I made fresh marks on our road highlighting each 1/10 of a mile. Thinking in terms of small goals helps me when doing things I do not enjoy.
We then followed through. Jackson brought the tunes.
John carried the water.
Me...I brought myself-which was a miracle in itself. We laughed together and predicted how successful we thought we would be today. Me--I exceeded my goal by more than double!!!!! When we got home we had a great conversation about not letting our feelings dictate our actions. This crosses so many arenas in life: improving our health by eating better and exercising, treating others with love and kindness, keeping things clean, spending time with people (investing in relationships), dealing with people who seem to criticize us the whole time... There are so many times we will feel like doing the very opposite. Don't let the lies win! Seek the truth. Crave it...hunger and thirst for it...When you let truth win, man it feels good!
The aftermath of today...sweat, smiles, pain...and feelings of accomplishment!
Are you like me and have a tendency to wallow in your feelings? I promise they lie a lot. They can hold you captive in a state of depression. They can make you think that your efforts are in vain. They can make you think you are alone and not cared about, and that you are a failure. They can keep you from making the very efforts that will eventually lead you to a good place. Find truth and put it in practice in your life!
As for me, I have been claiming this truth:
More than anything, I want to yearn after my Lord. When I cry out, I want to be pleading for His strength. Because you see, on my own--I am weak. My feelings will not define me, but His truth and promises--Yes! That is what I will claim and choose to believe!
Live a Meaningful Life!
As for me, I have been claiming this truth:
"How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord. My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." Psalm 84:1-2
More than anything, I want to yearn after my Lord. When I cry out, I want to be pleading for His strength. Because you see, on my own--I am weak. My feelings will not define me, but His truth and promises--Yes! That is what I will claim and choose to believe!
Live a Meaningful Life!
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