Divorce and Its Aftermath...

I'll never forget the day. My mom and dad were sitting in the kitchen in our little white house on Hwy 371. They called me in there and told me they were getting a divorce. I remember running my hand along the (now vintage style) gray table. As an adult, I understand that conversation was probably really hard to have with a 6 year old, innocent little girl staring at you. The next memory I have is going outside and running over to the light pole. It had a long plastic yellow cover at the end of the guide wire. I always tried to see how far I could make it slide up the pole. I remember doing it over and over as I cried. I was sure it was my fault. If I had just been a better child... 

From there...moving out, visitation, overhearing phone conversations and adults as they chattered, being caught in the middle of still loving both parents when they no longer loved each other, new girlfriends, new boyfriends, step brothers/sisters, abuse. 

The truth is divorce is hard for kids in most circumstances. I internalized the actions of my parents and convinced myself it was my fault (despite what anyone else tried to say.) I secretly prayed and hoped that one day they would get back together. Whew! Those emotions are still pretty raw-I just wiped a few tears as I was writing this thinking about that hurt little girl.

Once all the dust settled from the divorce (it was quite dusty at one point), it was life at dad's every other weekend and at home with mom the rest of the time. When I was in fifth grade, my mom opened a checking account for me and gave me all of the child support she received. She used it as a teaching tool for me to learn financial management. Eventually, the blaming of myself and wishing they would get back together slowly faded. Divorce became life as normal and despite the hurt, was actually used for good in several areas of my life. 

As a counselor, I have sat with many children as they processed the emotions created by their parent's divorce. I have yet to have one that didn't have any issues at all. If you are reading this and have had a divorce please don't beat yourself up. What I want you to read and hear is the next part.

Research with children that have divorced parents is clear: the better the parents work together and get along, the better the transition is for the children. And here is the part I celebrate. Johnny and I married 20 years ago. Both sets of our parents were divorced and remarried. So, for us, that means four houses to visit parents, four places for Christmas dinner, mother's day, father's day...well, it just all gets a little complicated. But let me tell you. ALL of our family have been so kind and made this work really well. I mean, just look at this picture!

All four sets of our parents, two grandparents, my aunt, one of Johnny's sisters, and our niece--all smiling in the same picture. They all gathered to support Jackson for his baptism service. They gather for birthdays and celebrations every time we ask them. I get all emotional every time I take the time to really look at these pictures. Despite all of the anger, hurt, resentment, and mistakes they are all able to put it aside and be a family. For that I am thankful. I am thankful for a family that loves us enough to look beyond all the junk of the past. They are able to authentically support us and our boys. Maybe we are rare breed. Maybe not. For the sake of those little boys and girls that are experiencing the hurt and wound of divorce, I hope that is your story. Please take a bad experience and salvage the good. 

As I look at the picture of our family, I no longer see brokenness. I see love-authentic love that compels people to look beyond themselves and act in a way that communicates support to their children and grandchildren. So to our family, thank you. Thank you for allowing the aftermath of divorce to become a beautiful picture!

Live A Meaningful Life!