A Disgusting Look (at myself)

It is with a lot of hesitation that I begin this post.  I wonder if it will even make it out of the draft screen? I guess I fear being vulnerable or exposed. I am not really sure why. I want to say I always live a glass life--I am fine with anyone looking in; I share plenty of my mistakes and failures.   However, somehow I have this ability when I write to make it appear I have it all together. I'll go ahead and let you know that I do not. As a matter of fact I sometimes wonder if I have even made any progress over the years? Will I continue to struggle with the same little pet issues or will I finally be able to reflect something differently?

It all started yesterday, I was just pondering a random thought as my nerd self is prone to do.  I never really came to a concluding thought so I guess I just left it running around in the neurons of the brain until this morning...This morning I was so stunned with something I had let creep back into my life on a large scale.  It was so disgusting to me it made my stomach hurt.  How could it be? Oh my, why in the world has someone not told me or pointed it out? Or am I just that deceiving? Do I manipulate my intentions and make it appear it really isn't what it is? Either way--yuck!  I was taking an honest look at myself--and didn't like the results.  It was like the words of Psalms 139:23/24 My heart was searched and definitely an offensive way was found and exposed.

If you check in here often you may have read the post Why We Do What We Do. The truth of it--the process of change is just that--a PROCESS. I wish I could just wave the magic wand and it all be different.  Instead, I just have to prepare to battle--my thoughts and desires.  Oh the power of our thoughts...I could write a lot here--but instead I'll just say I must continue to dwell on the things that are pure, praiseworthy, admirable, lovely, and true.  I have spent entirely too much time dwelling on things that are the opposite lately...such wasted time!

By the way, have you noticed how beautiful the grass and trees are after a rain? Have you looked out over a still pond lately and watched the fish play? It is a perfect picture of peace. Peace in which I am so thankful floods my soul right now at this moment.  I am also thankful for the opportunity to fold the pink blanket for about the 4th or 5th time today--that means my 4 year old is alive. And for those clothes that just finished in the washer--they are going to make a perfect air freshener as I hang them to dry in the living room...


Live a Meaningful Life!