Fullness
The cool breeze rustles through the trees as I sit on the porch enjoying the evening shade and the laughter of two souls bouncing around on the trampoline. I feel a rush of emotion, thought--something that I can't adequately express...a sense of fullness.
Ten years ago you would have met or known a different me--a me that was very goal oriented--working on completing a Ph.D., aspirations of publishing a book, working 3 jobs to pay for grad school/and continue to stay out of debt, praying to see real change in people's lives that I worked with, spending lots of time thinking/planning how to make the next year greater...oh, the endless lists.
Today--with all those things checked off--I sit on my back porch and feel as if I have so much more. Not because of the things I have accomplished, but more for the things I have given up. Through the years, accomplishing lots of things give you moments of good feelings and exciting times. It felt pretty good when I heard the words, "Congratulations, you have passed your oral defense, Dr. Cox." Or the time I got to call my friend and tell her the publisher just called and wanted to issue a contract on our book." In all honesty, while those were moments of excitement that I guess the world would say offers a sense of fullness, I could care less about them today. I am not really sure where my degrees are--I was in a store a few months ago and a former Ole Miss student that I taught kept calling me Dr. Cox--it took her saying it 3 times before I realized she was talking to me. And the book, it crosses my mind in January and July--when I open an envelope.
Now, a mom who stays at home and teaches her children, a family living on a third of their usual income, clotheslines, making aliens, and sounding out words seems much more fulfilling. I am present--fully present--no checklists or to-dos. Just enjoying time--living meaningful moments.
The breeze once again brushes my hair as I realize that the fullness I feel is a sense of thankfulness. Thankfulness to my Creator who has given me such a sense of peace and a changed heart. I could list a thousand things..the mud I wiped off of my leg when the three year old touched me with his grubby hands, the paint on the back of my shorts from painting the aliens, the chair I am sitting in, that good looking husband of 16 years that just walked into our house...I am full, full of thankfulness!
Ten years ago you would have met or known a different me--a me that was very goal oriented--working on completing a Ph.D., aspirations of publishing a book, working 3 jobs to pay for grad school/and continue to stay out of debt, praying to see real change in people's lives that I worked with, spending lots of time thinking/planning how to make the next year greater...oh, the endless lists.
Today--with all those things checked off--I sit on my back porch and feel as if I have so much more. Not because of the things I have accomplished, but more for the things I have given up. Through the years, accomplishing lots of things give you moments of good feelings and exciting times. It felt pretty good when I heard the words, "Congratulations, you have passed your oral defense, Dr. Cox." Or the time I got to call my friend and tell her the publisher just called and wanted to issue a contract on our book." In all honesty, while those were moments of excitement that I guess the world would say offers a sense of fullness, I could care less about them today. I am not really sure where my degrees are--I was in a store a few months ago and a former Ole Miss student that I taught kept calling me Dr. Cox--it took her saying it 3 times before I realized she was talking to me. And the book, it crosses my mind in January and July--when I open an envelope.
Now, a mom who stays at home and teaches her children, a family living on a third of their usual income, clotheslines, making aliens, and sounding out words seems much more fulfilling. I am present--fully present--no checklists or to-dos. Just enjoying time--living meaningful moments.
The breeze once again brushes my hair as I realize that the fullness I feel is a sense of thankfulness. Thankfulness to my Creator who has given me such a sense of peace and a changed heart. I could list a thousand things..the mud I wiped off of my leg when the three year old touched me with his grubby hands, the paint on the back of my shorts from painting the aliens, the chair I am sitting in, that good looking husband of 16 years that just walked into our house...I am full, full of thankfulness!
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