Circumstances, Death & Grief

One observation I have made frequently is that hindsight is such a gift. Looking back at events often helps us evaluate our choices or provide meaning/purpose to the things that unfold. A couple of weeks ago when I was unable to get appointments with dr.'s in MS for Jackson in our network in the Biloxi area I didn't understand. I was angry...and to be honest, ready to write every congressperson/senator in our district and opinion pieces for newspapers about the state of our health care system in the U.S. In hindsight,  I can see how foolish and misplaced my anger really was. We would have never thought that we needed to move back home at this exact time so that we could be there during the sickness and ultimate death of our beloved Fran/Gamma. What a gift those doctors' offices gave to our family. Oh, and even a counselor with 20 years of experience would not have been able to predict how valuable reading a book that had a grief theme (Where the Red Fern Grows) would be a to help a 9 year old trying to grasp the concept of death and grief. We started the book 2 weeks before leaving FL.

We sincerely believe that our actions all have a purpose. Sure, we appear to be making decisions/choices but ultimately a greater story is playing out. A story that I don't always understand, but I am confident is so much greater than ourselves. You see, having something to place our hope in helps us face death with confidence. And since death has been a glaring theme in our lives lately, here are some random thoughts:

1. Have conversations about your care during critical sickness situations. You know: resuscitation, life support, etc. And I want to add one more thought that never crossed our minds. My dad and Fran had already discussed they didn't want to be on machines long term. No problem, right? Well, we all realized when you have that conversation you naturally assume that if you are on those machines you are pretty much there, lifeless, right? Well, in our case, as long as Fran was on a bi-pap 24hrs. (turned on high) she was fully alert, cracking jokes with all of us and the medical staff. However, due to the pressure of the air being forced into her lungs, it was only a matter of time before the pain would become excruciating and ultimately explode her lungs. So, then the hard question...do you tell her? Do you tell her before it is removed that she is probably facing death and going to hospice, or do you just make the decision and keep that burden from her mind in her last few days? Have conversations while you are alive about these things. What comfort it can give the people responsible for your care in times that are tough.

2. I have been reminded how helpful it is when people bring food when people die. Is that a cultural thing isolated to the South? I hope not. Not having to give a thought to what/how we were going to feed our family during that was such a gift. 

3. While you are alive, protect and cherish your time. Are you breathing this morning? That air is a gift. Use the minutes you have been given to invest in things that matter...that have meaning and purpose! Are you going to work today? If so, look in the eyes of those around you today. Are they hurting, angry, wounded from trauma? Quit just blindly walking through a routine and seek to make authentic connections. Buy someone's lunch, listen to them tell a story for the 10th time, notice them...

4. Quit letting the little irritations of life rob you of joy. Every action/choice has a domino effect. In our finite brains we never can understand the impact of even the smallest actions. Were you ready to leave this morning and your kid spilled milk all over the floor? Have they lost their shoes for the 356th time? Did your husband leave the leftover chicken out all night and now you don't have supper for tonight? Listen, I know it is hard in the moment to appreciate and understand that these seemingly preventable mistakes may serve a purpose. But really...they do play a part in altering your course? A delay of time, a wrong turn, a broken arm... Oh how I wish when these things occur I could just take a deep breathe and cherish the moment. Cherish and give thanks for the breathe that is moving through my lungs, giving me the opportunity to love the people in my presence for another second.

5. One of my friends who happens to be atheist shared with me one time that one thing that really bothers her about Christianity is the fact that we go around believing there is life after death and then when we die and realize it is all a hoax, we never know the truth. She said it drives her crazy! I can see how this might be frustrating for someone who doesn't believe. We all want to prove and have evidence that we are "right." But for those of us who do believe, the confidence, hope and ultimately peace that our faith provides is beyond priceless and pretty crazy sounding (I get that). I can fully trust that all things are working together to accomplish His purpose, even in times of death, mistakes, and detours. Call it a crutch. Call me weak minded. Call me naive and brain-washed. I am ok with it all. You are not my "target." I am not trying to throw you bait and "catch" you to convert you. As a matter of fact, I don't have the power or authority to do that. I am simply thankful that our paths have crossed. For what purpose? We may never know. 

In the meantime, I pray that my sweet daddy is comforted with peace and strength as he learns to adjust to life without his buddy! I am so thankful we were in MS during this time!

Live a Meaningful Life!