The Great Zombie Extraction of 2018...True Story
This is the truth. Since Johnny and I became parents 12 years ago, we have done and said things we never even dreamed of saying or doing. And I mean, they aren't sophisticated, noble things either. Let me just share a few examples: "Come on, stop eating your boogers!" Actually, I showed a little science video of what boogers are and took care of that one. "Stop licking your brother!" "No, No! NO! That is horse manure, stop eating it!" (We all still laugh about this one--and the fact Johnny held Jackson side ways under the kitchen tap trying to clean out his mouth. I cry when John Gannon retells the story.) "Can you tell me exactly what you are going to do with that 20 lbs. of stuff in that bag while we just walk down the road?" "What did you think would happen if you jabbed the exercise ball with scissors?" It sure is a good thing we love these guys so much! Oh, the adventures, laughs, cries, and just plain bummfuzzledness they have brought to our lives!
But this one, it tops the cake. It all started on New Years Day. Jackson had some friends over to spend the night to celebrate his birthday. One brought their older brother to keep John Gannon out of "their business." Ever so often, I made a presence upstairs to access the damage. During this particular spying mission, I noticed there was unflushed bathroom business. YUCK! I pulled the handle and held my breath a few seconds hoping the fumes would float on by. To my surprise, instead of sucking down the pipe, the water level began to rise. Thankfully, not over the top. As I was walking downstairs to retrieve the plunger the boys told me the toilet wasn't working. John Gannon said, "I think I used too much toilet paper when I went, then Bode went, and well, it just isn't working. I returned with the plunger and plunged. It was rather odd...eventually, little by little, flush after flush, I finally got everything to go on down. But nothing ever came up, no large paper clumps or anything. Relieved that the stuff was down, I didn't think much of it and figured it just pushed itself on down instead of coming up. Boy was I wrong. Over the course of the next few days, this problem persisted. Johnny finally concluded he needed to take the toilet off and "take a look" on Sunday.
He returned a few minutes later with tools in both hands. I just sat in the floor waiting for any instruction he may shout out for me to take care of while he completed this task. It didn't take a minute or two, and he was lifting the porcelain throne. And there it was...a zombie, folded, bent in half at the base of the toilet. Thankfully, it was hung there and not in the drain pipe in the wall!
John Gannon had been "growing" them in the bathroom sink a few days prior. After questioning the boys about the toilet prior to the removal, John Gannon conceded, "Oh yeah, the other day when I got those zombies out of the sink, I accidentally dropped one in the toilet. I didn't want to touch the water so I just flushed it!" "John Gannon, the water was clean and you didn't want to touch it?" As I was about to reach and retrieve the stained, folded zombie from the bottom of the toilet, I remembered John Gannon's words. So, I did as any parent should do. I yelled for him and told him to get it out. It was stained. I mean, it had strained human defecation for days! Oh, my. I wish I had recorded it. He removed his shirt for some reason and started carrying on as if we asked him to do something painful. He eventually retrieved the zombie as he screamed and dropped it in the trash.
Johnny then made a trip to the store. He broke a bolt taking the toilet off and you know you have to replace those seal things. He returned, put the toilet back on and hey, it was over.
Until a little later that day...when John Gannon tried to flush his business. At this point, Johnny was taking a nice, deserved Sunday snooze.
But this one, it tops the cake. It all started on New Years Day. Jackson had some friends over to spend the night to celebrate his birthday. One brought their older brother to keep John Gannon out of "their business." Ever so often, I made a presence upstairs to access the damage. During this particular spying mission, I noticed there was unflushed bathroom business. YUCK! I pulled the handle and held my breath a few seconds hoping the fumes would float on by. To my surprise, instead of sucking down the pipe, the water level began to rise. Thankfully, not over the top. As I was walking downstairs to retrieve the plunger the boys told me the toilet wasn't working. John Gannon said, "I think I used too much toilet paper when I went, then Bode went, and well, it just isn't working. I returned with the plunger and plunged. It was rather odd...eventually, little by little, flush after flush, I finally got everything to go on down. But nothing ever came up, no large paper clumps or anything. Relieved that the stuff was down, I didn't think much of it and figured it just pushed itself on down instead of coming up. Boy was I wrong. Over the course of the next few days, this problem persisted. Johnny finally concluded he needed to take the toilet off and "take a look" on Sunday.
He returned a few minutes later with tools in both hands. I just sat in the floor waiting for any instruction he may shout out for me to take care of while he completed this task. It didn't take a minute or two, and he was lifting the porcelain throne. And there it was...a zombie, folded, bent in half at the base of the toilet. Thankfully, it was hung there and not in the drain pipe in the wall!
John Gannon had been "growing" them in the bathroom sink a few days prior. After questioning the boys about the toilet prior to the removal, John Gannon conceded, "Oh yeah, the other day when I got those zombies out of the sink, I accidentally dropped one in the toilet. I didn't want to touch the water so I just flushed it!" "John Gannon, the water was clean and you didn't want to touch it?" As I was about to reach and retrieve the stained, folded zombie from the bottom of the toilet, I remembered John Gannon's words. So, I did as any parent should do. I yelled for him and told him to get it out. It was stained. I mean, it had strained human defecation for days! Oh, my. I wish I had recorded it. He removed his shirt for some reason and started carrying on as if we asked him to do something painful. He eventually retrieved the zombie as he screamed and dropped it in the trash.
Johnny then made a trip to the store. He broke a bolt taking the toilet off and you know you have to replace those seal things. He returned, put the toilet back on and hey, it was over.
Until a little later that day...when John Gannon tried to flush his business. At this point, Johnny was taking a nice, deserved Sunday snooze.
I dreaded bearing the news to him. I questioned both boys and they assured me they only flushed one zombie and could not imagine what was wrong. Seriously, did I tell you that I DREADED telling him it still wasn't fixed? So, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I made my own plumbing apparatus out of a hanger, of course. After a few shoves of my plumbing tool, I pulled a few shreds of toilet paper so I reasoned that something was stuck in that first little curve in the toilet. I kept jamming but nothing came up. I decided to turn the hook the other way and shove down it that way. Well, when I went to pull it out, it was stuck. I yanked a few good times and it finally gave way. And look what came with it!
Can you believe it? Another poo stained, growing zombie. I mean, they only flushed one, they were sure of it! I do have to admit that I was a little proud. I mean, I had just solved a plumbing issue all alone, with a handmade tool! I wanted to run and brag to Johnny, but I waited and just nonchalantly told the story. "Oh, yeah, there was another zombie stuck in the toilet, but I fixed it.."
So, there you have it, The Great Zombie Extraction of 2018! I tell you, since having children we find ourselves doing and saying things we never dreamed of saying or doing! Oh, and if you ever have to remove the toilet to take one thing out, go ahead and ram something through the thing to make sure there isn't more!
Live a Meaningful Life!
Comments
Post a Comment